Feature Length Screenplay Rewrite
Rewrite the long length screenplay to be shortened to be 25 to 30 pages screenplay, rewrite this screen play to be plagarism free.
40 ACRES & A MULE by L.A. Roger & E.A. Lanham
FADE IN:
EXT. Tijuana market district day
TOM (V.O.)
In my younger and more impressionable days, I truly believed that America was the greatest country on Earth. The land of freedom and justice and even opportunity. Then I got a little older. My childhood pride had turned to the idea that, at least, America meant well. A few more years under my belt and it all went to hell. And me right along with it.
Tom Leader and his wife, Cassandra, and son, Bjorn, are shopping and goofing off with loud Mexican music playing in the background. They are seen laughing, smiling, and eating while walking on the street.
Tom is a middle-aged, pudgy, white man of average height. He is fond of wearing Hawaiian shirts, Bermuda shorts, and Ked’s sneakers. He does not have facial hair except for beard and chronic moustache stubble.
Bjorn is an average-looking teenager.
Cassandra is a good-looking, middle-aged woman of Latino descent who speaks in broken English.
Ext. U.S.-mexico border crossing day
A Mexican woman is begging on the street while sitting down and nursing a baby. Tom gives her a dollar bill.
A sign reads “Now Entering the United States.” Tom and his family are waiting in a line to enter the U.S. Street peddlers are seen offering goods to people in cars waiting to cross the border (traffic jam back-up). Tom and his family walk back to their car, a GM, which is parked on the U.S. side of the border.
Their car has a bumper sticker which reads “America, love it or leave it.”
TITLE OVER:
1967
EXT. LIBERACE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DAY
STUDENTS are going inside the building.
INT. CLASSROOM OF LIBERACE ELEMENTARY DAY
TEACHER, either an African-American or Latina woman, is at the front of the room, teaching students about “democracy.” Medium shot of teacher with blackboard behind her.
Teacher
So does anyone know what “democracy” means?
Belligerent Student
(whispering to his friends who start giggling)
Yeah, it means I can do any fuckin’ thing I want.
Teacher
The great thing about American democracy is that every little boy or girl can grow up to become President of the United States.
Young Tom is sitting at his desk. He is a meek child wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, and Keds tennis shoes. He raises his hand to comment about the foregoing statement.
Teacher
Yes, Tom?
Young Tom
Really?
Teacher
Certainly, Tom. In America, anyone has the right to run for President. This is not true of some other countries.
Young Tom
Even a woman?
Teacher
Yes, Tom.
Young Tom
What about a black person?
Teacher
(a little hesitantly)
Of course, Tom.
Young Tom
What about a black woman?
Teacher
(losing her temper)
Tom, do you listen when I talk?
Young Tom
How about a crazy person or an undocumented worker?
Teacher
Enough, Tom.
Young Tom
So not a crazy person?
Teacher
Shut up, Tom.
Young Tom (V.O.)
(thinking)
Hmm. I guess that eliminates Britney Spears.
TITLE OVER:
1977
EXT. RON JEREMY HIGH SCHOOL DAY
TEENAGERS are walking on school grounds in front of school’s sign. Frank and TEEN TOM are average, normal looking teenagers of the late 70s. Tom is wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
Frank
(while walking)
So, What are the choices, now? “Fly Like an Eagle” and “Go Your Own Way”?
Teen Tom
Yeah, I think so.
Frank
So what are you voting for?
Teen Tom
Well, “Go Your Own Way” is a great song. But, for a prom? Wasn’t that the faculty contribution?
Frank
I think so. It’s like they think they have to kick us out. “You know, back up, man, I’m going anyway.”
Teen Tom
(laughing)
Don’t need to tell me twice. I like ‘Fly Like an Eagle’.
Frank
Me, too. But I still don’t see what was wrong with ‘Young Americans’. When’s the vote?
Teen Tom
At 1:30. Do you have a date?
Frank
Kelly Gross.
Teen Tom
The aptly named Kelly Gross.
Frank
What’s that supposed to mean?
Teen Tom
Think about it, dumb-ass.
Frank clues in after a moment’s thought.
Frank
(good naturedly)
Shut up, Tom. Anyway, I’ll see you at the newspaper meeting.
Teen Tom
“All the News They’ll Let Us Print.”
Frank
(laughing at the oft-repeated joke)
More like “Unfair and Chemically Imbalanced.”
Tom waves.
INT. RON JEREMY H.S. LOCKERS DAY.
Lilly Ely is trying to talk to Tom who is pointedly ignoring her.
Lilly Ely
(in bashful admiration)
So, Tom… um, what’s going on with you?
Teen Tom
Not much, Lilly. But I don’t have time to talk.
Lilly
Oh, okay. You know, it’s lunch time, Tom. I thought maybe you’d want… that we could…
Teen Tom
Can’t. I promised Charlotte that I would eat with her today. Sorry.
Tom slams his locker shut and walks away.
Lilly
Maybe all three of us…
Without turning, Tom waves absently over his shoulder and keeps walking.
Lilly tries to pitch her voice to Tom’s rapidly retreating form and eventually gives up.
Lilly
Okay, then, Tom. Maybe another time, okay. It was nice talking to you.
INT. RON JEREMY H.S. NEWSPAPER STAFF ROOM DAY
Teenagers are walking around and talking to each other. Some are on the telephone.
The teacher tries to get the attention of her students.
Teacher
If I can have your attention class.
(louder)
Excuse me, class. I need your attention just for a moment.
As the class becomes quiet, teacher continues to shout.
Teacher
(continues)
Class, please
The class begins to quiet.
Teacher
(continues)
Oh, thank you.I want to remind everyone that our hot story for this issue is the controversy over the official song of the upcoming prom.
(MORE)
Teacher (cont’d)
As you may already know, the student council has overridden the song choices “Fly Like An Eagle” and “Go Your Own Way” and has chosen the Beatles’ “Long And Winding Road”. I think it is important to write the story in terms of the principal issue that the student council brought up. Is “Fly Like An Eagle” referring to drugs as the council believes and if so, why did they choose a Paul McCartney song given that he was vocal about marijuana use being O.K.?
Meanwhile, Tom is talking quietly to MALE STUDENT.
Tom
Besides the fact that the song’s depressing as hell. The student council pisses me off. It’s just like everything else. Why waste our time with a “vote” when they’re gonna do whatever they want anyway. It’s like the freakin’ Electoral College. Have you ever really thought about the Electoral College. Jesus. They probably didn’t even count the votes, just chucked ’em out the window and held their hands over their hearts while they watched them flutter away in the breeze.
Male Student
Who? The Electoral College or the Student Council?
Teen Tom
That’s my whole point, man. It doesn’t matter. It’s just the scope, man, just the scope.
Male Student
Whatever, Tom. You lost me at “depressing.” Hey, why don’t you talk to your girlfriend on the council and tell her we want it changed back to “Fly Like An Eagle?”
Teen Tom
She can’t or won’t do anything. Or won’t. I’ve talked to her and she just says that the council is adamant about their song selection. It’s no use. That’s politics.
TITLE OVER:
1979
EXT. RECORD STORE DAY
Tom arrives at the record store and parks in the empty parking lot. Tom walks up to the front door of the record store, opens the door with his key, and enters.
INT. RECORD STORE DAY
Tom enters backroom and turns off silent alarm system. Tom returns to the front and performs various duties. LISA, an employee, knocks on the clear glass door. Tom opens the door.
Tom
(as the two reenter store)
Good morning, Lisa.
Lisa
Good morning, Tom. How are you doing today?
Tom
Tired. What do you say we just walk out of here, leave the door unlocked and a little can on top of the cash register that says “PLEASE PAY HERE.” We’ll start running the whole operation on the Honor System.
Lisa
Works for me.
Tom
How much do you think we’d take in?
Lisa
Nothing.
Tom
How much do you think we would lose?
Lisa
Everything. Within the first hour.
Tom
Shoots that idea all to hell. And I was up all night thinking about it. After you punch in, would you mind getting started on the new releases inventory?
Lisa
Sure thing, boss.
Tom
(holds his hand to his head and groans)
Don’t ever call me “boss” again, okay?
Lisa
(snickering)
Got it, big guy.
Tom heads to the backroom.
EXT. BEHIND RECORD STORE DAY
Another EMPLOYEE, in his/her car, waits for Tom at the back door of the record store.
Tom opens the door and greets the employee.
Tom loads the car with record albums until the car is full. Tom closes and locks the back door and the car drives away.
INT. RECORD STORE DAY
Tom approaches the front area while officer #1 and officer #2 enter the store and head towards Tom. One of the officers is a little person in cop uniform.
Officer #1
Are you Tom Leader?
Tom
Yes. Can I help you?
The officers begin putting handcuffs on Tom.
Tom
(continues, puzzled and nervous)
Wait a minute. Don’t you have to tell me what I’m charged with first?
Officer #2 begins to put the handcuffs securely on Tom’s wrists.
Officer #2
Okay, kid. Let’s see. Well, first off, I don’t think this storeowner would appreciate that you are taking records from the store without permission.
Tom
I don’t understand. I never…
Officer #1
You loaded a bunch of records into the back of another kid’s car, right?
Tom
Yes, but that was standard inventory rotation. I give the records to the driver. He takes them to the next store.
Officer #2
Yeah, well. Your alleged driver wasn’t headed for a store.
Officer #1
He was driving. He drove. Ergo, he was a driver, not an “alleged” driver. Jesus, how many times do I have to go over this with you?
Officer #2
Fine. This guy didn’t drop any records off at any store. He made a beeline straight to his house. You know this driver, kid?
Tom
Not very well. But he’s been picking up records for us as long as I’ve been here.
Officer #1
(to the other officer)
You see, didn’t I tell you they were another Bonnie and Clyde? You owe me five bucks.
Tom
(under his breath)
I hope I’m not Bonnie.
Officer #2
(slapping Tom in the back of the head)
Don’t be a wise ass.
Tom
Sorry. But, please, officers listen. There’s been a mistake. He might have been stealing but I had nothing to do with it. I’ve got a shipping invoice for transferring the records to the store in Texas. I gave them to our regular – and I thought reputable – driver and…
Officer #2
(cuffing Tom in the back of the head again)
Shut up, kid.
Officer #1
(nodding his approval at the other officer)
Well put, partner. Now, then, Mr. Leader. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You are entitled to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, an attorney will be appointed to you. Do you understand each of these rights?
Tom is put into the back of the police car.
Tom
(sad)
Yes, sir.
Officer #1
One last thing. You don’t have any aliases we should check out, do you.
Tom
Just one.
Officer #2
(interest piqued)
Oh, yeah?
Tom
(inspired)
The Premier.
Officer #1 turns his head and talks to Tom from the front seat.
Officer #1
Very interesting. We’ll run a check on that when we get back to the station. Good job (sic). Well, Tommy, you’ll never work in the music business again. You can count on it.
Tom
(under his breath)
I didn’t work in the “music business,” jackass. I sold records.
Officer #2
(turning to face Tom)
Are you not getting it, kid. Shut the hell up.
INT. COURTROOM DAY
Prosecutor, standing at a table on the left, is professionally dressed.
Tom and Tom’s lawyer stand on the right side of the half-full courtroom. Tom is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, white pants, and a solid colored tie.
Judge’s nameplate reads, “Judge S. Knott.” Judge is a stern-looking man.
Bailiff is inspecting his gun in the courtroom.
Judge
I’ve reviewed the proposed plea agreement and find it acceptable to this Court. Mr. Leader, do you have anything to say at this time?
Tom
Yes, Judge Snot. I did not commit this crime. I don’t think that it’s fair that–.
Judge
(interrupting Tom, furious)
That’s “S. Knott,” you little punk, not “Snot.”
Tom
I’m sorry, your Honor. I couldn’t quite see from here. But, as I was saying, I have been unjustly accused of a crime I did not commit.
Judge
I’ll decide what’s “unjust” and, as for committing the crime, well, that’s up to me, now, too, isn’t it?
Tom hangs his head down, as if waiting for the hangman to bring the noose.
Tom
Yes, your Honor, I suppose it is.
The judge shoots Tom a look at the “suppose,” but says nothing.
Judge
Counsel, have you informed Mr. Leader that by entering into this plea agreement he is admitting guilt in this matter?”
Tom
(panicky)
Wait! I didn’t admit anything…
Tom’s Lawyer
(whispers to Tom)
Tom, shut up!
(speaking to Judge)
Yes, your Honor. Forgive us, your Honor.
(whispers to Tom)
Cool it, Tom. Knott is not just a clever name. Snot here is known as the “hanging judge.”
Tom
(whispering to lawyer)
Fine. Alright. I get it.
(aloud)
Yes, your Honor. I accept the plea agreement and admit that I’m guilty. But your honor, are you really well hung?
Judge
Excuse me? Alright. Mr. Leader, in accordance with the terms of the plea agreement, I hereby sentence you to probation for a period of two years. You are also ordered to take ten anger management classes.
Tom
But your honor, I don’t have an anger management problem.
Judge
You will. I was just joking about probation. Mr. Leader, you must report to the county jail for a period of 30 days and your sentence shall commence on January 22nd. One more thing, I don’t want you engaging in homosexual sex in jail–if that’s your thing. That’ll be all, counsel.
Tom, too stunned to speak simply stares at the ground and shakes his head
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF COURTROOM DAY
Lawyer
(walking away)
I’m truly sorry, Tom, but that’s just the way it is. People go to jail all the time who aren’t guilty. It’s built into the system.
Tom
Where are you going?
Lawyer
I have a lunch date with the prosecutor’s sister.
Tom continues to shuffle along, never raising his head.
TITLE OVER:
TODAY
EXT. TOM’S HOME DAY
Tom and Cassandra live in a middle-class, suburban, two-story home.
INT. KITCHEN OF TOM’S HOME DAY
Tom, dressed casually, pours himself some coffee. Cassandra and Bjorn are also in kitchen, seated at the kitchen table.
Cassandra is sipping coffee.
Bjorn is eating cereal with box in view.
Bjorn
Dad, you’re going to be late.
Cassandra
He’s right, Tom. You’d better get going.
Tom
I’m leaving. I’m leaving.
Tom heads for the door with a cup of hot coffee in hand.
Cassandra
Have a good day at work, dear.
Tom
If only. Love you two.
Bjorn
Love you, Dad.
Cassandra
Me, too. Bye.
EXT. TOM’S HOUSE DAY
Tom walks out of his house and gets into his car. He backs out of driveway as another car is passing by without Tom noticing. The two cars almost crash. Other driver honks horn. Tom stops abruptly, spilling hot coffee all over himself.
The other driver, an elderly woman, flips Tom off.
Tom
(to himself)
Oh, that’s very nice, lady.
Tom’s car drives down the street until it goes completely out of sight.
INT. E-BAY OFFICE BUILDING DAY
Tom walks through his office and says his “hellos” and “good mornings”, sincerely friendly. He enters his cubicle and sits down. Tom shuffles papers and goes through files on his desk.
Tom
(speaking softly to himself)
This is what happens when technology meets capitalism. Sotheby’s for the great unwashed who never have to get off their fat asses. Let’s see what we’ve got today. Who knows? Something may catch the eye of my fat ass. This is new. A guy selling advertising tattoos on his chest. I wonder what the postage on that would be. He’s a pretty big guy. For god’s sake. Just how many thirty year old pictures of Loni Anderson are there out there? She was on that show – what was it called? It was in Chicago, or something. I always liked that guy better anyway. The cowboy in the tight jeans. Shit, he was better looking than Loni Anderson. Hang on. Does that make me gay?
TITLE OVER:
5:00 p.m.
Tom
God, what a day. I need a drink.
Ext. Fanny’s exclusive men’s club evening
The club has a sign outside that reads: “The Place Where You Can See Big Women’s Titties.”
Tom drives into parking lot and walks into the club.
Int. fanny’s exclusive men’s club evening
MUSIC is playing very loud. Multi-colored lights are circulating around the nightclub. Female dancers are on stage before a moderate size audience.
Tom is seated in the front row near the dancers on stage. Tom motions to waitress for a drink. Waitress, in skimpy clothes, brings a beer to Tom.
Tom watches the dancers. STRIPPER catches his eye so he motions her over. Stripper is in her 20s and is extremely sexy.
Stripper dances erotically and takes off her bra and throws it on Tom’s head. She completely disrobes. Tom looks at stripper while her back and buttocks are displayed.
Tom puts a five dollar bill on the dance floor. Stripper squats and presumably picks up the five dollar bill with her crotch.
Stripper approaches Tom and puts her buttocks in his face.
Tom
(excitedly)
Yeah, baby. That’s what I like. You naughty girl!
All of a sudden the stripper releases a loud flatulence into Tom’s face and the music stops just a second before she does.
Stripper
(turning around to face Tom)
Oh, God. I am so sorry. I can’t believe I did that.
Tom
No it was an… honor to be farted on by an artist such as yourself.
Stripper
I’ve been gassy all day. I’m so sorry. I should have known better than to stick my ass in your face. It’s just that, well, you looked like you needed it.
Tom downs his beer and then begins to get up to leave.
Stripper
(continues)
No, don’t go, please. Let me show you what I can do with my tits.
Tom
Thanks very much, but I really must be going.
Stripper
You’re gay, aren’t you?
Tom
(incensed)
Hell, no. Show me what those tits can do! But then I’ve really got to go.
The stripper is openly pleased as she begins her “Tit Routine.”
INT. TOM’S HOUSE NIGHT
Tom enters his home through the front door.
Tom
Honey, I’m home.
Cassandra
(with a letter in hand)
Tom, I have some bad news.
Cassandra hands letter to Tom. He begins to read.
Tom
$500,000.00? Please tell me this is joke, Cassandra.
Cassandra
Okay, it’s a joke.
Tom
Thank God.
Cassandra
I didn’t mean that, dear. This is no joke. The IRS wants $500,000.00 in back taxes for the past three years.
Tom
But we didn’t even earn $500,000.00 in the past three years. This has got to be a mistake.
Cassandra
Tom, what are we going to do?
Tom
O.K., I’ll just go down to the IRS office tomorrow and clear this up. Obviously, there’s been some kind of error.
INT. IRS OFFICE DAY
Internal Revenue Service logo shown on outside of office door. IRS Agent and Tom are sitting across from each other at a desk with a U.S. flag and IRS symbol in background. IRS agent is goofy-looking.
IRS Agent
Well, Mr. Leader.
Tom
Oh, by all means call me Tom.
IRS Agent
Whatever. What can we do for you today?
Tom
There’s apparently been some error.
(hands letter to IRS Agent)
I received this notice which says I owe $500,000.00 to the IRS. I didn’t even earn that much during those three years.
IRS Agent
(inquisitively)
Let’s just check my little computer. Hmmm. Oh, I see what happened…
Tom
What is it?
IRS Agent
(moving away from his computer)
Well, Mr. Leader….
Tom
Just call me Tom.
IRS Agent
Whatever. There’s been no mistake. It appears that you failed to report the cancellation of your SBA loans. That’s income, by the way. You also owe $400,000.00 to Terminal Furniture.
Tom
What the hell is “Terminal Furniture?”
IRS Agent
You tell me. You’re the one with $400,000 bucks worth.
Tom
I can’t believe this shit.
IRS Agent
The IRS does not deal in shit, Mr. Leader. Unless you own a farm. However, in your case, we are dealing with what is officially called “Non-Farm Income.”
Tom
“Non-Farm Income?”
IRS Agent
Yes.
Tom
But I don’t own a farm.
IRS Agent
Precisely.
Tom
I don’t understand, then, why you would bother to distinguish –-
IRS Agent
Mr. Leader, what the IRS does or does not do is its own business.
Tom
Alright, what do I do now?
IRS Agent
You could apply for a payment plan.
Tom
Which would mean what, exactly?
IRS Agent
We would allow you to pay it off in five years, instead of one.
Tom
That’s $100,000.00 a year.
IRS Agent
(typing rapidly into calculator)
Yes. Yes, indeed, it is.
(impressed)
Very quick, Mr. Tom. Are you a mathematician, by any chance?
Tom
If I were I would have known better than to buy so many Chronic Couches, or whatever.
IRS Agent
Terminal Furnishings.
Tom
Right. So that impossible payment plan is my only option?
IRS Agent
(cheerily)
Yup.
Tom
(dejected)
Got it. Thanks for all your help.
IRS Agent
(holding out letter to Tom)
Oh, Mr. Leader. You forgot your letter!
Tom
(taking the letter)
Thanks
Tom stands directly in front of IRS Agent’s desk stuffs the letter into his mouth and proceeds to eat it. Then he turns and leaves.
IRS Agent
(calling after Tom)
I hope you made a copy of that!
INT. HALLWAY IN FEDERAL BUILDING DAY
Office door reads “Office of U.S. Representative – Al “Slimey” Rippenoff.”
INT. CONGRESSMAN’S RECEPTION AREA MORNING
Congressman’s Secretary greets Tom. She is polishing her nails as Tom enters.
Secretary
Hello, sir. How can I be of assistance?
Tom
Good morning. My name is Tom Leader and I would like to speak with Congressman Rippenoff regarding a dispute with the IRS.
Secretary
Certainly, sir. Just have a seat and he’ll see you in just a minute.
INT. CONGRESSMAN’S RECEPTION AREA 8:00 A.M.
Tom sitting in lobby.
INT. CONGRESSMAN’S RECEPTION AREA 10:00 A.M.
Tom, irritated, continues to wait.
INT. CONGRESSMAN’S RECEPTION AREA 1:30 P.M.
Tom approaches the secretary’s desk.
Tom
Excuse me, but I’ve been here since 8:00 a.m. and you said that the Congressman would see me in just a minute.
Secretary
Certainly, sir. I’ll see what’s holding him, up.
(talking on the phone)
Yes. O.K. I’ll send him right in, Congressman. O.K., Mr. Leader, you can go in now.
Sexy lady comes out of the Congressman’s office just as Tom is entering the door. Tom enters Congressman’s office.
INT. CONGRESSMAN’S OFFICE DAY
The Congressman is putting his belt on and zips up his pants.
Tom
Well, at least it was vital business you were taking care of.
Congressman
What, are you gay?
Tom
(resignedly)
No. Congressman, I was wondering if I could discuss with you a little difficulty I’m having with the Internal Revenue Service.
Congressman
(confused)
The Internal Revenue Service?
Tom
The IRS.
Congressman
Of course, the IRS. God, why didn’t you say so in the first place? So what seems to be the problem with the
(emphasizing the acronym)
IRS?
Tom
Well, to be honest, Congressman, I’m not very happy. I recently received a letter from the
(with emphasis)
the Internal Revenue Service informing me that I owe $500,000.00, $400,000 of which to a company I haven’t ever heard of. The fact is, Congressman, I didn’t even earn $500,000.00 in the three years they are talking about. Is there anything you can do to help me out of this situation?
Congressman
Certainly, certainly. Did you bring your tax returns and records with you?
Tom
Yes, I did bring my returns and receipts.
Tom hands the records to Congressman.
Congressman
Yes, I see. Hmm
(reading over various papers)
Hmmm. O.K., I see what happened.
Tom
What is it?
Congressman
I see that one of your creditors wrote off a debt of $400,000.00 that you owed to the creditor. It’s all perfectly clear.
Tom
(upset)
What creditor was that?
Congressman
Terminal Furniture.
Tom
(perplexed and upset)
Terminal Furniture? I’ve never even heard of Terminal Furniture.
Congressman
Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Leader but it’s abundantly clear that you owe the IRS $500,000.00. Terminal Furniture filed a form with the IRS indicating that they were canceling your debt of $400,000.00. Cancellation of a debt is deemed to be income for tax purposes, Mr. Leader. Thank you for coming in.
Always glad to be of service to an upstanding citizen of questionable sexual persuasion. Remember the next time that you vote, Mr. Leader, I have always supported equal rights for people such as yourself.
Tom
I’m not… never mind. But that’s all?
Congressman
Yup. Best to you and yours.
INT. CONGRESSMAN’S RECEPTION AREA DAY
Congressman escorts Tom out of his office. Secretary is polishing her toenails with her on the desk.
Tom
(leaving the office)
Son of a bitch.
INT. STATE bar court day
Panelist #1, Panelist #2, and Panelist #3 are behind a large table sitting across from a Tom and Tom’s attorney. The three panelists are all dressed very well. Attorney #2 is on the left of Tom’s table.
Panelist #3 is asleep and occasionally snoring loud.
Panelist #1
The State Bar Court has reviewed your petition to practice law, Mr. Leader.
Tom
Just call me “Tom.”
Panelist #1
Whatever. An applicant for admission to practice law carries the burden of proof to show evidence that the applicant possesses good moral character. Would you like to make a statement before we begin calling witnesses?
Tom
Yes, sir. I do not think that failure to wash my hands once at the Upchuck Restaurant where I worked amounts to bad moral character. I just forgot that day.
Panelist #3 awakens suddenly.
Panelist #3
(murmuring)
I don’t give a shit.
Panelist #2
Mr. Leader, isn’t failure to wash your hands after going to the bathroom against the law?
Tom
Well, technically it’s just a citation for an infraction.
Panelist #3
So you admit it’s against the law, Mr. Leader?
Tom
I suppose so.
Panelist #1
I mean, good God, there’s a sign on the wall and everything.
(snidely)
Forgot, indeed.
Panelist #2
Well, my mind’s made up.
(turning to the other panelists)
How ’bout you?
Panelist #1 and Panelist #3 nod their heads affirmatively.
Panelist #1
Yup.
Panelist #3
(in unison with panelist #1)
Yup.
Panelists shuffle papers between them.
Panelist #1
Mr. Leader, this Court has ruled that you not be admitted to practice law. Our findings are as follows: we find that you were grossly negligent in not washing your hands after taking a leak, excuse me, after draining the lizard while working for the Upchuck Restaurant.
(MORE)
Panelist #1 (cont’d)
This was done in violation of the law stated very clearly on a little sign above the sink. Accordingly, we deny your application.
Tom
(dejected)
Thank you, your honor.
Panelist #2
That’s “chairperson.”
Tom
Whatever.
Ext. oglala Sioux Indian tribal offices day
Tom enters the office of the Oglala Sioux Nation (Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, South Dakota).
INT. oglala Sioux tribal offices day
The tribe’s official logo is on the office wall. Tom is talking with an American Indian female OGLALA receptionist. A photo of American Indian Movement (AIM) inmate Leonard Peltier hangs on the wall.
Tom
Hi! Or
(with heavy emphasis)
should I say “How?”
(chuckling)
I’m Tom Leader and I practice law here. My license is about to expire and I would like to renew. What do I need to do?”
Receptionist
(monotone)
Fill out these forms and return them to me when you are done.
She hands Tom a large stack of documents.
Tom
You want to know something funny? I’m a lawyer and I practice law in the Oglala Sioux Nation. So, I guess you could call me a “Sue lawyer” (sic).
Long pause by receptionist who is not amused and blankly staring at Tom.
Receptionist
(monotone)
That’s not funny, sir.
Tom
You know, attorneys sue a lot, get it?
Receptionist
(monotone)
Still not funny, sir. But the papers to apply for a comic’s license are right here beside the law papers, if you’d like to give it a shot.
Tom
No thanks.
Receptionist
Okay, then, funny man. Why don’t you have a seat and fill out your forms?
Tom
Right.
Tom sits down and fills in the blanks on the documents.
Int. u.s. immigration office day
Large lines of ethnically diverse people are waiting to be served.
INS Receptionist, a Muslim lady wearing a veil, is standing at the entrance with clipboard in hand greets Tom and Cassandra as they enter.
INS Receptionist
How can I help you today, sir?
Tom
Uh, do you work here?
INS Receptionist
(snippy tone)
I think you are unreasonably profiling me, sir.
There is along pause.
INS Receptionist
You know, sir, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I am any less qualified than anybody else
(crying)
You know gay people have feelings, too.
Tom
I’m sorry if I offended you. My wife is a Mexican citizen and she would like to apply for U.S. citizenship.
The INS receptionist wipes her eyes and hands Tom a ticket stub.
INS Receptionist
You’re number 102.
Tom
What number is up right now?
INS Receptionist
Number 2.
(loudly, to room)
Next.
Tom
(to Cassandra)
My God, there are 100 people ahead of us.
Tom
We can’t wait all day. Sir, can I buy your ticket stub from you.
Man #100
Yes. For $5.
Tom
Five dollars?? That’s outrageous.
Man #100
No. It’s capitalism, right? I’m practicing for my citizenship test. Not bad, huh?
Tom hands him a $5 bill. Then he proceeds to the next person in line.
Tom
Miss, can I buy your ticket stub, please?
Woman #99
Sure. Six dollars.
Tom
What’s wrong with $5?
Woman #99
It’s –- oh, what’s it called –- inflation. I better write that on my hand, so I don’t forget.
Tom
This could cost a bundle.
Man #98
Seven dollars. Supply and demand. You demand. I supply. For seven dollars.
Tom buys the ticket stubs from everyone in line up to the first person.
INS Worker
(loudly, to everybody)
O.K., that’s all for today. Everyone else you must come back tomorrow. Thank you.
Tom
No, they can’t be serious.
(motioning to INS worker)
Wait, Sir.
INS Worker
Yes, sir.
Tom
I don’t mean to complain but I just spent over $400 to get up to this place in line. Please don’t close until you see us. I’ll pay you $100 just to see us.
INS Worker
Did you just offer me a bribe?
Tom
Would you take one?
INS Worker
Sir, don’t make me start legal proceedings against you. I don’t really feel like taking the time, to be honest.
Cassandra
Come on, Tom. It’s not worth it.
Cassandra begins pulling Tom out of the office.
Tom
(yelling)
Alright. I’m sorry for impugning your integrity.
Tom and Cassandra quickly leave.
Int. CIA meeting room day
A large CIA logo is in the middle of the floor with tables around the perimeter. PROCTOR is at entrance to the room, handing out paper and pencils to each of the Test Takers entering the room.
Proctor
O.K. Let’s get started. Let’s just confirm that everyone here is taking the Central Intelligence Agency exam. Is there anyone who is not here for the CIA test?
There is a short pause before an Unidentified Man stands up.
Unidentified man
CIA Test? Shit, no. I’m here to get a dog license.
Unidentified man exits.
Proctor
Right, then. You will have one hour to complete the test. When the test ends, you must immediately put down your pencils. Are there any questions?
(beat)
If not, you can start the test…
Proctor pauses. Then, loudly, as if trying to frighten the test takers…
Proctor
Now.
Tom has his head bowed looking at the CIA employment exam. He taps his pencil nervously.
Tom is perplexed by some of the questions.
Tom
(exclaiming)
What the –! Rotating crops?
Test Takers
Shhhh..!
Proctor
(to Tom)
Is there a problem, sir?
Tom
No, sir. I’m sorry.
Test continues with Tom reading to himself.
Tom
Please check all careers you would like to pursue…. Do I want to be President of the United States?
(beat)
No, too obvious. Do I want a career as leader of a foreign country? Hmmm… Should I?
(beat)
Hmmm… Yeah, I’ll go for that! This might trigger an investigation, but what the hell.
Tom exits after handing his test papers to the proctor.
Ext. remote desert crematorium night
The moon is full. Several workers are walking around outside carrying unidentifiable large parcels.
Int. remote desert crematorium night
The ovens have large ROARING fires within while workers put corpses into them. The workers are covered in blood, and body fat pools on the floor.
Worker #1 has a “Big Gulp” drink from 7-Eleven is taking a sip from it while shaking it back and forth. He places it on the ledge of a cremation oven.
Worker #1 pulls a gold tooth out of a corpse’s mouth and puts it in his pocket and yells to his partner.
Worker #1
Let’s go to lunch.
Worker #2
(yelling back)
Where to?
Worker #1
(still yelling)
I don’t know… just some barbeque food I guess.
Worker #1 looks at a body on the floor.
Worker #1
I wonder what this poor soul did to get snuffed by the CIA.
Worker #2
Who cares. Let’s ditch this place for a while.
As workers exit, various dead bodies can be seen laying around on the floor.
Ext. remote desert crematorium night
Smoke comes out of crematorium smoke stacks.
INT. E-BAY OFFICE BUILDING DAY
Tom walks to his cubicle and begins making inaudible phone calls. Then he begins working on his computer. As he examines internet auctions on eBay, he comes across something odd.
Tom
What in the hell?
(quietly reading)
The government of Mexico is offering a 40 acre sovereign land deal. Minimum bid $2,000.00.
(beat)
Wait a minute! Am I reading that right?
(slowly)
Yes, it’s legit. I probably won’t win but what the hell.
Tom enters a bid of $2,000.00. Time passes. Clock spins up to 4:59 p.m.
INT. E-BAY OFFICE BUILDING 4:59 PM
Tom is watching an eBay internet auction hoping to win an auction. Tom watches in anticipation.
INT. E-BAY OFFICE BUILDING 5:00 PM
Tom
(loudly)
Ha-ha! I’ve got my own country!
INT. TOM’S HOME evening
Tom rushes into the house.
Tom
Cassandra. We’re moving!
Cassandra
What?
Tom
C’mere quick!
Cassandra
O.K., O.K. So what are talking about.
Tom
You’ll never believe what happened today.
(very quickly)
I was reviewing an Ebay auction and saw that the government of Mexico was auctioning off 40 acres of land to start your own country with. So I bid $2,000.00 for the country and I won and now we can move to our own country where we can do whatever we want and…
Cassandra
Slow down, Tom. So you own a country now? Is that the gist of it?
Tom
Yes. We can finally get out this country, never to be abused again! What do you think?
Cassandra
Well, I need a little time to think about it, Tom. I guess it’s all right.
Tom
(hugging Cassandra)
Honey. This is the second happiest day in my entire life.
Cassandra
What was the best thing that ever happened to you, Tom?
Tom
The day I married you, Cassandra.
Cassandra
Oh, Tom. You’re so sweet. I bet you said that to all of your ex-wives.
Tom
Where’s Bjorn? I need to tell him.
Cassandra
Upstairs.
Tom rushes up the stairway.
Int. Bjorn’s bedroom evening
Bjorn is sitting in his room. There is a poster on the wall depicting marijuana plants with the words “Got Pot?”
There is a knock on Bjorn’s door. Bjorn opens door part way, revealing his father.
Bjorn
Dad. What is it?
Tom
Can I come in for a minute?
Bjorn
Sure, Dad.
(Tom enters Bjorn’s room).
Tom
(sitting down)
Come sit down with me, son. We need to talk.
Bjorn sits down on the bed next to Tom.
Bjorn
O.K.., Dad, what’s this all about?
Tom
Well, things haven’t been going well for our family for a long time.
Bjorn
No kidding, Pop.
Tom
Well, something unusual has happened and we have an opportunity to improve our lives significantly.
Bjorn
You’ve said that before.
Tom
I know. I know. But listen. I bought 40 acres of land from the Mexican government. But there’s more to it. The Mexican government is allowing us to start our own country on the property. I will be the Premier of the Nation of Heaven.
Bjorn
Dad, you know all my friends think you’re weird. This isn’t going to help.
Tom
I know, Bjorn. But think of it. It will give us a chance to move to someplace where we can set our own rules and not be dependent on anyone any more.
Bjorn
(surprised)
“Move?” Well, I don’t know, Dad. How are we going to do things like, you know, watch MTV? And when we get there, it’s going to be 40 acres of dried out dirt, isn’t it? It just sounds like a lot of work.
Tom
But it will pay off big, Bjorn. You’ll see.
Bjorn
If you say so.
They pause for a moment in silence.
Tom
(pointing to poster)
…and could you please take down that poster?
Tom exits.
Bjorn
(shaking his head)
He’s so gay.
Int. Library Day
Tom approaches the librarian.
Librarian
Can I help you find something, Sir?
Tom
Yes. Could you please tell me where I can find books about government, particularly the founding of countries and the development of governments in small countries?
Librarian
Certainly, sir. Follow me.
Librarian escorts Tom to the appropriate section of the library.
Librarian
Right here, Sir.
Tom
Thank you, Ma’am.
Tom browses the books. He finds a book called “How to Start Your Own Country.” He opens the book and speed reads some of the pages.
Tom takes the book and goes to the check out line and the librarian scans his book. Tom leaves.
Ext. Street in front of library day
Tom exits the library with his book in hand. He proceeds to cross the street, reading the book while walking.
Tom
(while walking to his car)
Cool.
Another car honks horn as he narrowly misses Tom in the street.
Driver
(as his car passes)
Move it, jackass!
Ext. Street day
Tom’s car begins to smoke from the engine while Tom is driving. He drives the car into a used car lot.
Ext. Used car lot day
Tom is browsing a used car lot looking to buy a car and trade in his car when a used car salesman walks up to Tom.
Tom
Hi.
Used Car Salesman
Hello. Would you be wanting a car today, sir?
(beat)
You have a good eye for quality there, my friend. This car here is a beauty.
Tom is currently looking at a Yugo. He tries to open the car door when the entire door frame comes off.
Used Car Salesman
We can fix that. Just cosmetic.
Tom checks out another car and opens the car door. He sits in the driver’s seat when the seat collapses and Tom falls into the back seat.
Used Car Salesman
Hmm. How about you take a gander at today’s special, eh?
Tom shrugs, dispirited but desperate.
Used Car Salesman
(continues)
Now, this car is extremely durable and rides like a charm. Take a seat, my man. Now this is a car, a collector’s item, if you will –- a gen-u-wine, mint condition Gremlin.
Tom
I haven’t seen one of these since the seventies. Painfully ugly piece of machinery, but never mind. How many miles does it get to the gallon?
Used Car Salesman
It’s a fair question, but I’m afraid I haven’t got an answer. Being a sub-compact, its got to be good on gas. I’d say, oh, between 10 and 30 miles per gallon.
Tom
Ten and thirty gallons, huh? How much?
Used Car Salesman
We’re selling it for an unbelievable price of $1,000.00. Do you have a car to trade-in?
Tom
(pointing)
Yes, that car over there. It’s a beauty and runs great.
Used Car Salesman
Was that the car I saw smoking down the street?
Tom
No. Like I said, it’s a beauty. The doors stay on and I can personally vouch for the integrity of the seats.
Used Car Salesman
Works for me. Walk this way.
In the tradition of slapstick, Tom mimics the salesman’s distinctive walk
Used Car Salesman
(continues)
We’ll have a seat in my office and see if we can’t work a deal.
After a while, Tom exits the dealership office and starts the Gremlin. Tom drives about twenty yards down the street before the Gremlin’s oblong tires and squashed rims begin to cause the car to thump and shimmy continuously down the road.
Ext. Mexican government building day
Tom meets with the President of Mexico, José Cuervo, who is dressed in an elaborate costume. President Cuervo gives Tom a mule. The President brings the mule to the podium to complete the deal.
President Cuervo
(in Spanish)
It is an honor today to welcome Tom Leader and the new Nation of Heaven.
(MORE)
President Cuervo (cont’d)
The people of Mexico are happy and hopeful that Premier Leader can maintain strong ties with our country.
President Cuervo shakes Tom’s hand as he hands a document to Tom.
Tom
I, too, welcome the People of Mexico and give great thanks to your country for your kindness, this mule, and, most especially for your great cultural contributions. Without your tacos, the world would be a poorer place, indeed. Thank you
Scattered applause.
Int. Butt Ox BBQ Restaurant Day
Tom is sitting at the service counter and Martha, a large, old black lady approaches from the reception area.
Martha
Well, if it isn’t Mr. Leader. Ya got me upset, Tom. You ain’t been here to eat in months.
Tom
I know, Martha. I’m sorry. But I’ve been working on a new project.
Martha
Oh, yeah. What’s dat?
Tom
(proudly)
I’ve started my own country.
Martha
Boy, you done lost yo’ mind.
Tom
No really, Martha. The Mexican government sold me 40 acres of land.
Martha
Mule come wit dat 40 acres?
Tom
How did you know?
Martha
(laughing while talking)
Dem Mexicans be playin’ a little trick on you, honey-chile!
Tom
Martha, what are you talking about?
Martha
You ain’t never heard “40 acres and a mule,” have you, Tom?
Tom
No. Should I have?
Martha
(dramatically spoken)
I don’t know what they be teachin’ kids in school dese days. I guess some things never do change. Okay, Tom. It was in the Civil War. Now you knows dat some black folks was slaves, but some was freemen, too. Dem were da ones dat were former slaves who da government declared free, so they was called freemen. It was called da First Freedmen’s Bureau Laws. Dat law allowed the government to put aside land for da loyal refugees and freemen.
Tom
So that was the law giving freed slaves 40 acres and a mule?
Martha
I’m telling da story here, boy! Now shut-up yer mouth and listen.
Martha
Just a few weeks before da end of da civil war in 1865, a soldier named General William Tecumseh Sherman worked with black ministers
and day came up with da government dividing da area borderin’ on St. John’s River, Florida into 40 acre plots, each one come with a mule. See, Sherman also had some injured mules dat couldn’t work so he decided ta give da freeman some of dem bum mules.
Martha
Den, after da President Lincoln died, da new President, Andrew Johnson, done vetoed da law and Congress never passed no law givin’ us black folks our land and mule.
Martha
So, ya see the joke, Tom? Day gave you 40 Acres of land and ta make da joke really good, day threw in da mule. But, Tom, you be a good boy and remember that dere’s a lot of people in the rainbow. When you start running your new country, don’t you leave anyone out.
(MORE)
Martha (cont’d)
Jus’ remember ta seek peace, follow your heart, and do a good job. You might could change da world itself, honey-chile.
Tom
I’ll do my best, Martha.
Martha
Good. Whatcha want to order, Tom?
Tom
I don’t know. I’m not really hungry now.
Martha
You better order somethun’, boy. You owe me for that little historical lesson.
Tom
Okay, fine. What’s today’s special?
Martha
(loudly)
Today’s special is the #1.
Tom
What’s the #1?
Martha
Your cracker ass if you don’t hurry up and pick something out.
Ext. CIA Headquarters Day
The CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia, is seen.
Int. Office in CIA Headquarters Day
Two CIA supervisors who are both watching Tom’s television broadcast.
CIA Supervisor #1
(very serious)
Gentlemen, I would like you to assemble a team of operatives to investigate fully this Nation of Heaven nonsense. There is absolutely no room for error. I want to know everything there is to know about this Leader. He may be gay.
CIA Supervisor #2
Consider it done, sir. Let’s go kill somebody.
Ext. Nation of Heaven border Day
U.S. military workers are building a tall concrete structure complete with armed INS workers on the top of the wall looking down on the Nation of Heaven.
Nation of Heaven citizens erect an Iron Curtain (which Tom can open like mini-blinds) blocking the view of the INS building.
Ext. Nation of Heaven house Day
Tom’s Nation of Heaven house is being painted black and blue. Tom, Cassandra, and Bjorn are hugging each other facing the newly constructed building.
Int. Bedroom — Nation of Heaven house night
After the house is finished, Tom enters his and Cassandra’s bedroom. Cassandra is lying in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin as Tom walks in.
Tom
Cassandra, what are you doing?
Cassandra
I’m just trying to keep warm.
Tom
Cassandra, it’s 90 degrees today. Don’t you feel well?
Cassandra
No. I’m just a little chilly, that’s all.
Tom
What’s that noise?
Cassandra, having an orgasm, tries to hide it. Failing, she lets out a little squeak.
Cassandra
What noise?
Tom reaches under the covers and pulls out a vibrator.
Tom
That’s just great. My wife prefers a vibrator to me. So much for our sex lives.
Cassandra
I’m sorry, Tom. I love you but you’ve been too busy with your dumb nation for sex. And, um, Tom, I hope you’ll be honest with me…
Tom
Honest about what?
Cassandra
It can’t make me love you any less, honey.
Tom
What are you talking about?
Cassandra
Admit it, Tom. You’re a homosexual.
Tom
What? Where in the hell would you get that idea? You think I’m gay?
Tom holds up the still-buzzing vibrator.
Tom
That’s the reason for this?
Cassandra
Well, at least I’m not cheating on you.
Tom
(loud, upset)
First of all, as regards your earlier point, it’s not a “dumb nation.” And as far as cheating on me, you are cheating when you use a vibrator.
Cassandra
Well, then, what about a –-
The phone rings, interrupting her question. Tom, still holding the buzzing vibrator, answers it.
Tom
Hello.
(louder)
Hello.
(beat)
Yes. What is it?
(beat)
Oh my God.
(beat)
O.K. Goodbye.
Tom inhales and exhales deeply.
Cassandra
What is it Tom?
Tom
One of our citizens just got shot and killed by the Americans tonight and cremated at an illegal crematorium operated by the CIA. I feared something like this might happen someday.
Ext. Funeral Day
Several mourners are present along with Tom. Close to the mourners there is a flag of the Nation of Heaven flying at half-mast. The Pastor is finishing his sermon.
Pastor
Amen. Does anyone wish to speak?
Tom
Yes.
Tom picks up a bucket of red paint and throws it across the Nation of Heaven flag.
Tom
(continues)
There. Now all of our new flags will have splattered red on them, in remembrance of the blood that has been shed by the Nation of Heaven in our war against the United States.
Mourner
Praise God!
Ext. Nation of Heaven Day
Cassandra and Tom are watching construction workers build all sorts of buildings on the acreage. Some of them are standing around drinking beer.
Cassandra
Tom, how do you intend to get electricity living here?
Tom
I’ve got several ideas.
Cassandra
I just bet you do.
Extension cords hooked together over a three-mile stretch lead from Tom’s house through the desert to a bar in Mexico where it is connected to an outlet in view of foot traffic.
Lights and noises start up at Tom’s home.
Int. Nation of Heaven house Day
Tom is seated at a desk in the Nation of Heaven “mansion” giving a public address. Video cameras move around in preparation for the broadcast. The Nation’s flag is in the background. The design of the flag is black and blue.
Producer (V.O.)
Ready in five… four… three… two… one…
Producer drops his hand points to Tom.
Tom
I come to you tonight with a heavy heart, fellow citizens of the Nation of Heaven. As you may already know, the United States of America has tortured and killed one of our citizens. By doing so, I have no other option than to declare war against the godless, communist, capitalist pigs of the United States of America. My greatest hope is that this will be a peaceful war, but that is up to the United States. If the godless Americans choose to wage total war, we, as a country will have no choice. This war will continue until and unless the U.S. formally recognizes the Nation of Heaven as an independent nation. Today I humbly but resignedly call upon the United States to recognize us and avoid any bloodshed. As for other national matters, I hereby declare that all little people shall have a right to free housing in the Nation of Heaven.
(MORE)
Tom (cont’d)
This program shall be called the “Stay-Free Maxi Pads Program” or SFMPP, in honor of our esteemed sponsor, and will provide safe housing to little people in a tiny gated community.
Scenes showing the following amenities being used by little people ensue during Tom’s description.
Tom
(continues)
The community is fully equipped with a swimming pool, exercise rooms and “dance floor.”
Ext. SFMPP community day
A dog scrapes his butt across the grass in front of the gated community sign.
Int. Living Room — Nation of Heaven house Night
The Leaders are sitting on the sofa watching television.
Ext. Mexican Desert Night
The electrical cord that supplies the Nation of Heaven is cut by an anonymous persoN.
Ext. Nation of Heaven Night
Lights flicker and all machines turn off on the entire Nation of Heaven.
Int. Living Room – Nation of Heaven House Night
Tom
(in the dark)
What happened?
Cassandra
Could it be a fuse?
Tom
No, all the electricity went out in the whole country. One blown fuse wouldn’t be able to manage that. It’s probably a problem wrong with the national electric cord. I’ll go check it out.
Tom tries to locate the problem with the electrical cord outside. He brings his toolbox back into the house.
Cassandra
Did you have any luck?
Tom
Nope. I’ll have to check it out in the morning.
Ext. Mexican Desert Sunrise
The sun is rising on the horizon. Tom is walking down a path with the electrical cord on the ground, a three-mile walk.
Tom
Son-of-mother. Somebody cut the cord. That is definitely not cool.
Tom begins to tape the cord with electrical tape.
Tom
(continues)
Somebody is going to pay for this.
Ext. Nation of Heaven Airport Day
A small airplane lands on the Nation of Heaven landing pad. North Korean President Chong Tom Chong emerges from the plane accompanied by several bodyguards. Limousine takes Chong Tom Chong to a small hotel on the Nation of Heaven.
Int. Hotel Room Day
Chong Tom Chong begins talking on the telephone. He has a strong Korean accent and is dressed like and looks like the current President of North Korea.
INTERCUT WITH:
Int. Nation of Heaven house Day
The phone RINGS. Tom answers.
Tom
Hello.
Chong
Haro. Is diss Tom Wreader?
Tom
Yes, it is.
Chong
Diss Chong Tom Chong. Ju come my room now.
Tom
Why?
Chong
Ju come now, bozo. I going to help you with your country, Mr. Big Shot.
Tom
Premier Leader, if you please.
Chong
Fine. Whatever, Mr. Big Shot Premier. How dat?
Tom
That’ll do, I guess.
Int. Hotel Room Day
Tom enters Chong’s hotel room.
Chong
My name Pwresident Chong Tom Chong. Ju be Premier Wreader, Mr. Big Stuff?
Tom
That’s what they call me.
Chong
Like I say on phone, I here to help ju wit your countwrey. I make short. You need money, yeah?
Tom
I’ll say.
Chong
You and me Tom, we get money fast.
Tom
But how, Mr. President?
Chong
Chong to you. See here. Tree tings: Gambwing, dwugs, and women. Just like Old Wrest. Get it?
Tom
Got it.
Chong
Good idea, yes?
Tom
Well, it’ll work, but –-
Chong
No but. Rut else you got to do, huh?
Tom
It’s just that turning the Nation of Heaven into one big brothel. It just doesn’t seem right.
Chong
Tom, Tom. That rut make it wright. That what make it Heaven, my man.
Tom
I don’t know.
Chong
Ladies, man, everywhere just looking for a reason to drop their drawers. Wrait. You gay, aren’t you? I should have known. Look at shirt on you.
Tom
I am not gay. Strippers, hookers, let’s get it on. When do we start?
Chong
(thumping Tom on the back)
Wright now, pal. Wright now.
Chong sniffs cocaine off a metal tray using a rolled up dollar bill and offers the tray to Tom. Tom waves his hand and shakes his head “no.”
Tom
I brought my son, Bjorn, with me. Bjorn, this is the Pwresident, I mean President, of North Korea, Chong Tom Chong.
Chong
You riddle rascal. Ju look jus like your gay fatha.
Bjorn
Is that Korean for Hello?
Chong
Now, wook, you riddle shit. In my countwry, comment like dat get you shot.
Chong
(laughing uncontrollably)
Ha! You Bjorn Leader! Get it? Bjorn Leader.
Bjorn
(rolling his eyes)
Good one. Like I’ve never heard that one before.
Chong continues to laugh, clutching his sides with mirth.
Ext. Nation of Heaven Day
Overview of bingo games, casinos, houses, brothels, Black and Blue house (Premier’s Home). A 7-Eleven store in the Nation of Heaven has a sign in the window reading its motto, “Oh, Thank Heaven.”
Int. Bingo Hall Night
Announcer
B-5!
Bingo Lady
Bingo!
Announcer
All righty. Bring up your card and let’s see what you’ve won.
Bingo Lady brings up Bingo card to the announcer who quickly checks it.
Announcer
I’ll say that’s a winner. And now for your
(pauses for emphasis)
ten dollars! Congratulations and come again!
Bingo Lady jumps for joy, takes ten dollars, and returns to her seat.
Int. International Olympic Committee Offices Day
IOC review board sits across from Tom Leader.
Committee Chairman
Mr. Leader…
Tom
Premier Leader, if you please.
Committee Chairman
Whatever. We’ve reviewed your application for fielding an Olympic team. While we find it highly unusual in that you are the only team member from your country, we have decided to approve your request to participate in the Olympic Games. I mean, what the hell. Right? What are you gonna do? Win?
Review Board laughs.
Ext. Olympic Track Stadium Day
Hurdles are set up on the track.
Tom is in shorts and a tank top standing behind the track in the starting area. He is warming up for a race, going through all sorts of contortions, including shaking out his arms, kicking up his heels, and waving his head around in a frenzy.
Tom steps into the starting area. To his left is an African-American RUNNER and on the right is a Caucasian RUNNER.
U.S. Runner
So I guess the Olympic Committee hasn’t bothered to set a weight limit, then?
Canadian Runner
No. He’s probably disabled and sued to get here. Look at him. He’s obviously not normal.
U.S. Runner
Equality is a beautiful thing.
Canadian Runner
(referring to Tom)
I see nothing beautiful about that thing.
Both runners laugh.
Tom
Let’s see how funny you think this is when I wipe up the track with your scrawny asses.
Canadian Runner
Yeah. That beer gut’s for extra fuel storage. Right?
Tom
Might be.
Announcer (V.O.)
Ready. Set.
Starter gun FIRES.
Tom runs and knocks down every hurdle but wins. He triumphantly holds his hands in the air while slowing down.
Ext. Olympic Track Stadium night
At the medal award ceremony, Tom is on the middle podium rising above the silver and bronze medal winners.
The national anthem of the Nation of Heaven plays. Tom stands and sings with his middle finger in the air.
Singer begins to sing The Nation of Heaven National Anthem, “Poverty Sucks.” It is an absurd song containing lyrics with everyone coughing on cue in the middle of the song loudly stating “Huh!”
Singer
(singing)
“Once upon a time, in a big nation full of jackasses, Whence came a great leader, named Tom Leader.”
Stadium audience coughs in unison.
Singer
(continues)
“Yes, his name was Tom Leader.
He was not a jackass.
But everyone called him one.
And so it was.”
Stadium audience coughs in unison.
Singer
(continues)
“And now in the great Nation of Heaven,
Only Tom Leader does rule.
Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh.
And poverty sucks!
And we are a great nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all — not just some.
Heaven is my home, yes it is, yes it is, yes it is.
Mmmmm Huhhhhhhh.”
Stadium audience coughs in unison.
Applause as Tom wipes tears from his eyes.
Int. World Bank office Day
Tom is seated in an open office area across from a bank loan officer.
Loan Officer
As I said, Mr. Leader.
Tom
That’s Mr. Premier.
Loan Officer
Whatever. This bank cannot approve your loan application because you aren’t a member of the United Nations. And besides that, you have a derogatory account on your loan application.
Tom
(loudly)
And what is that for?
Loan Officer
Well, there’s an unpaid item for the HSG Record Club of $23.99.
Tom
That’s ridiculous. You’re going to turn me down for a loan application for the Nation of Heaven for a $23.00 unpaid record club bill?
Loan Officer
That’s $23.99. Oh, yes. You also apparently owe the United States Internal Revenue Service $500,000.00 and Terminal Furniture $400,000.00, making a grand total of $500,023.99. Whew. Sorry, pal.
Tom
That’s Mr. Premier to you.
Loan Officer
(ignoring Tom)
The rules of the World Bank must be enforced. I’m denying your application.
Close-up of loan application being rubber stamped “DENIED.”
Tom
(while walking away)
Jackass.
Ext. Street in Nation of Heaven Day
An anonymous man is walking down the street in the Nation of Heaven when he comes up to Tom.
Anonymous Man
Hey, aren’t you that guy that started your own country?
Tom
Yes. Would you like an auto–(graph)
Interrupting Tom, the anonymous man slugs Tom and knocks out one of his teeth.
Anonymous Man
(walking away)
America, love it or leave it, right, Tom?
Tom is holding his jaw and looking closely at the knocked out tooth. He yells after the anonymous man.
Tom
That’s exactly why I left the United States, stupid!
Tom spits another tooth into his hand.
Ext. Nation of Heaven House Day
Tom walks out of his house and waves to several Americans who are approaching him while carrying white flags of surrender.
The Americans surprise Tom and begin shooting at him.
Tom takes refuge behind a large boulder.
Ext. Nation of Heaven Day
Crowds of people inhabit the Nation of Heaven. They are partying, attending casinos and prostitution houses, using drugs openly, and some are having sex in front of the crowds. There is barely enough room for everyone.
Tom’s wife is upset and disappointed that the Nation of Heaven has gotten out of control and is as “bad” as the United States and all other countries. Tom gets rid of everybody who is partying, telling them to leave the Nation of Heaven “forthwith.”
Int. Bedroom –- Nation of Heaven House Day
Tom walks into the room and sees Cassandra packing a suitcase.
Tom
What’s going on, Cassandra?
Cassandra
I can’t take any more of this. Bjorn and I are going back to the U.S. and beg the government to let us come back.
Tom holds Cassandra, who looks away from him.
Tom
Honey, we can make this work. Haven’t we already had some good times here?
Cassandra up at Tom who begins speaking again in a romantic tone.
Tom
Let’s make a deal. Give me six more months. If things are bad after six months, we’ll all go back
(beat)
O.K.?
Cassandra looks into Tom’s eyes and rolls her lips.
Cassandra
O.K., Tom. Six months. That’s all, right?
Tom
I promise.
Tom takes the suitcase from Cassandra and the two embrace.
Int. Bathroom –- Nation of Heaven House Day
Tom is sitting on the toilet reading “Soldier of Fortune Magazine.”
Tom closes his magazine and picks up another magazine – “Small Arms Review Magazine.”
The telephone rings.
Tom
(loudly)
Honey, could you get that?
Cassandra (o.S.)
Yes, dear.
Int. Nation of Heaven House Day
Cassandra
(into phone)
Hello.
(beat)
Yes, Tom, his hineyass is here but could you call him back. He’s on the throne right now.
Ext. U.S. – Nation of Heaven Border Dawn
Mercenaries in battle fatigues surreptitiously climb up the U.S. INS wall and disarm the guards.
Soldiers and mercenaries fight on a battlefield below.
This continues for a while until they raise the Nation of Heaven flag above the INS wall.
A newspaper headline is shown: “U.S. – Nation of Heaven Ceasefire Declared.” Below the name of the newspaper is reads, “We are not a gay newspaper.”
Int. Nation of Heaven House Day
Tom and Speedy are sitting at opposite ends of the couch.
Speedy Rodworks, a sexy saleswoman for a missile company, is proposing the sale of missiles to Tom.
Cassandra is busy doing errands around the house. Meanwhile, the woman is flashing herself to Tom.
Tom has eyes wide open staring at her crotch.
Speedy takes off her underwear while seated on Tom’s couch and throws it to Tom.
Tom
(nervously)
Oh, look, honey. What was your name, again?
Speedy
Speedy Rodworks. I’m from Missiles ‘R’ Us. I can assure you that you will not find a better priced missile. And installation only costs a dollar!
Speedy
You do want a big missile, don’t you, Mr. Leader. Don’t you? All men like big missiles. Or are you gay?
Tom
I’m not–
Speedy pulls out catalogs of missiles and shows them to Tom. The missiles look like huge penises.
Speedy
(interrupting Tom)
Just take a look at the size of these missiles.
Ext. Los Angeles Day
The Los Angeles skyline is seen.
Ext. Rental Car Office Day
Tom is kneeling on the floor with his mouth on what appears to be a man. Tom is actually blowing up a life-size man. He places the dummy in the passenger seat of the car and gets in. He then gets in the car and drives away.
Ext. Los Angeles Freeway Day
Tom is driving in the far left lane.
A police car gets behind Tom’s car and turns on its lights and sirens.
Tom pulls over on the freeway.
Tom
(nervously)
What did I do, officer?
Cop
(sternly)
Two seat belt violations. That’s one for you and one for the dummy that you were giving a blow job to. You have an illegal reflector of your license plate, and you have a radar detector in your car.
Cop
If you will just sign here. It is not an admission of guilt, it is just a promise to appear in court.
Tom
(under his breath)
Fuck.
Cop
Excuse me?
Tom
I just said, um, cluck. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is all an illusion and I am really just a dream in the head of a chicken.
Cop
Oh, well. Okay, then. You have a nice day now. And, sir, that chicken thing –- it will have to be added as a restriction. Number 7, I think, is the chicken/duck restriction.
Tom
Thank you, officer. I’ll be sure to do that.
Cop
And if you wear corrective lenses -–
But Tom is already speeding away.
Cop
How gay was he?
Ext. U.N. New York Headquarters Day
It is a bright and sunny day in New York outside of the U.N. Headquarters. The U.N. flag is waving prominently.
Int. U.N. New York Headquarters Day
The U.N. Security Council is meeting with Tom. The Security Council is reviewing whether they should recommend the Nation of Heaven’s admission to the United Nations Security Council.
Each member of the Security Council is shaking their head “No.”
The application form is seen with “APPLICATION FOR ADMISSION DENIED” stamped on form.
Ext. Berlin Wall 1989 – Stock
A television clip of people joyously breaking down the Berlin Wall is seen.
Ext. U.S. – Nation of Heaven Border Day
Tom’s Iron Curtain and the U.S. wall is seen.
The U.S. wall is covered with graffiti.
Tom is shown on TV in front of the wall.
Tom
President Barry Dingle…
(slowly)
bring down this wall.
Int. Oval Office -– White House Day
Advisors #1 and #2 are watching the television of Tom’s wall comments. They and President Dingle do not look happy.
Advisor #1
Mr. President, I think we have a serious problem here.
Dingle
Heads are going to roll for this. I’ve had as much as I can take of this shit. Call that Leader fellow. We’re going to recognize his Nation of Heaven.
Advisor #2
(worriedly)
But Mr. President, we’ll look weak.
Dingle
We are weak, dipshit.
Ext. Stage in United States Day
President Dingle is standing at a podium speaking to a crowd.
Tom is standing next to President Dingle.
Dingle
Today truly is an historic day. In fact, there has never been an exact day like this. It’s Tuesday, February 4th. Last year, it was a different day. So, this day is unique. But remember, you can fool me once and shame on me, but fool me twice and, um…
(beat)
… I don’t remember the rest but it’s really prophetic.
Int. Fancy Restaurant Night
President Dingle and various foreign leaders are eating. They are talking unintelligibly.
The U.S. Ambassador stands, holding a glass of wine.
Tom is secretly shown drinking Thunderbird straight out of the wine bottle before standing up for the toast.
Ambassador
Well, I’m happy to say that we have finally peaceably settled our dispute with the Nation of Heaven. On that note, let’s move on to dealing with the international co-operation between all nations relative to protected areas such as Antarctica, Arctic Circle, and our agreements for international management of space.”
Tom looks directly into the camera and winks with a smirk.
FADE OUT:
THE END
(As final credits role, intermittently show outtakes and deleted scenes from the film, including a transsexual dressed with a banner around her which reads “Miss Nation of Heaven Transgendered.”)
