“Lewis and Sheila at a Crossroads.” How would an individual therapist define the problem for each of them individually? How would a marriage and family therapist approach the problem? How would a genogram help?
Lewis and Sheila, both turning 40, were a mid-life, upper-class black couple. Lewis came from a small rural town in the South, while Sheila was raised in a big city in the Northeast (race, culture, class). They met at a university where Lewis excelled in sports and was a first round draft pick in the American League, playing professional baseball. After a successful career in sports, Lewis was tired of the “fast lane” and wanted to retire to his hometown and “give back” (transitions). Sheila had no desire to live in a small town and was adamant about continuing their lifestyle in a large city. Their children were about to enter college, and Sheila knew that Lewis’ retirement from baseball meant another change in their lives (individual experience). Whenever the subject came up, they each had a position that made sense. However, this left them at an impasse (structure).
A genogram that linked their families together illustrated differences in culture, class, and coping styles. In their family of procreation, the genogram highlighted children’s personalities, development, and parent–child dynamics. A timeline noting the nodal events from the genogram became a forum for discussing their development as individuals during a review of their married life. Sheila traced her evolution as a black woman, beginning with messages from her family of origin about being strong and independent and continuing during those years that she stood in the shadow of her famous husband (race, gender). Lewis also had messages from his upbringing about making everyone proud. This led to questions about how Sheila had contributed to Lewis’ career and how Lewis had contributed to Sheila’s life and what they each felt entitled to have at this stage of life (justice, entitlements). She wanted an identity for herself, on her own terms. He wanted relief from family, public, and community expectations.
A turning point came when they began to examine the phrases, “give back,” “fast lane,” and “I deserve.” On the whiteboard, they saw the development of their dreams, ambitions, and burdens. With the idea that it was possible for them to each have what they deserved, their conversations became more empathic, and there was less fear that injustice would occur. They began to search for win-win solutions. For example, how could Lewis move into the “slow lane” while staying in the big city (boundaries)? How could Sheila develop projects that could also help his hometown (identity)? Could they have a summer home and a winter home in two locations that met their needs and those of their children as they launched? Ultimately, they realized that their goals and values (motivational interviewing or MI) were more important than location and that how they balanced their obligations with the outside world influenced their emotional states.
